T - 6. The Night before The Nasty...

It's a bit after midnight - just into Thursday and I've got to marinade in this Busulfan  for about another hour and then a quick saline rinse off after that so I'd thought I'd make use of this time to update.

As I've just passed day five of the process it's getting a bit 'Same Spit, Different Dog' and I've settled into a pattern. Wake up at 7am get Obs. done (blood pressure, temperature, O2 saturation) then hooked up pretty much straight away onto the first chemo baggie of the day, followed by an infusion of either a flushing agent or more meds such as Aciclovir which are given prophylactically for the prevention of CMV (CytoMegaloVirus) and MMPRV (MightyMorphin' PowerRangersVirus).

While this is going on I usually have breakfast (2 toast, porridge with golf balls in and a strong, strong - I mean STRONG coffee) and later watch a bit of Jezza. I was chatting to one of the nurses the other day about my idea for Jezza Bingo based on exactly the same lines as Management Bullshit Bingo which we used to play in management meetings at a previous employer.

For those of you unfamiliar with MBB, you play by first assembling a master checklist of the  most commonly used transatlantic business buzzwords that get bandied around in these meetings. This master list is then used to compile bingo lists each of which features a slightly varied selection of the Management Bullshit Spiel  -a few of which less fondly remembered mind-rotters are displayed here;

• 'Stakeholder Engagement' or 'Stakeholder Interfacing'
• 'Synergy within the Business'
• 'Working across the Piece'
• 'Managing Upwards'
• 'Joined up' anything
• 'Integrated and Sustainable' anything
• 'Silo Mentality' or 'Silo Structure'
• Growth or change being described as 'Organic'
• 'Paradigm' bloody anything 'Shift'/'Growth'/'Management model'

This is by no means a full list which was (and lord knows maybe even still is) subject to organic growth as the ever expanding lexicon of the Management Consultant continues its' march up its' own arse.

Hands up if you know what a paradigm even is -  or knew that the 'g' is silent. How did I manage to get past age 45 and still live a relatively happy life without knowing this? Well a) because I didn't go to college and b) because it's Management Bullshit. Without Management Bullshit you'd just be 6 smartly dressed people sitting in uncomfortable silence around a table whilst fiddling with your coffee cups.

Anyway back to the bingo - once kitted out with your list the idea was then to listen closely to your peers' and managers' spiel during the meeting and to mark off any of the offending bullshit as it was used.

There was no standing up and shouting 'Bingo' if you filled your card, you'd just look smugly at your co-conspirators to let them know that you'd had your fill of management bullshit for the day - it wasn't really very subversive working at a local authority.

As mentioned though it did have the perverse effect of making me pay attention in  meetings rather than drawing endless intricate acid casualty doodles in my Red and Black. Looking back now , not very subversive at all...

Back to Jezza Bingo, -  the idea here would be to find common paradigms - sorry I mean themes, whether they be speech, clothing, hairstyle whatever and compile them into the master list.
To get the ball rolling, I've had a bash at this myself ;

• Neck Tattoos
• use of the phrase 'at the end of the day Jeremy'
• use of the phrase 'that's why I'm here today Jeremy'
• Lotto trainers with Velcro fasteners (nb. laces not applicable in this category)
• use of the phrase 'I'm not an alcoholic - I don't drink every day'
• use of the phrase 'I used to smoke marajuana'
• babies called Mackenzie (presumably named for the mum's favourite tracksuit)
• any reference to Dagenham, Hastings or Wigan. (have fun with these -  maybe introduce a wild card or change locations from week to week)
• Knuckle tattoos  (nb.only LOVE, HATE or ACAB applicable in this category)
• use of the phrase  'after the break we'll get the result of those all important DNA (or lie detector) tests'
• Trakky bottoms tucked in to socks
• use of the phrase - 'I turned round and said to her..' or 'how come you turned round to me and said..'. Why don't these people just face each other when they are talking?

This list is absolutely not definitive or finalised and I would welcome contributions from anybody who feels that they have identified a decent item of Jezza Bullshit. It may be Bullshit from the man himself or Bullshit from or on a punter, but please join me and let's see if we can work together to make this master list genuinely offensive -er I mean definitive.

 I think at this point I should add that this list will only be compiled with specific reference to the UK version of Jezza. The US version of Jezza is subject to a separate category list currently defined as 'American Self  Help Bullshit' and is available in 12 volumes.

 Now the nurse that I was chatting to suggested that this could have the makings of a great drinking game - ie every time you hear or see something from the master list appearing in Jezza's show (which airs at 9.25am in the UK), you have to take a belt of something alcoholic- now I can very definitely see the appeal of this, but then again seeing as I've been in recovery since 2003, I may not be best placed to give advice in this area.

OK so I've had some sleep and we are now well and truly into Thursday - it's about 7.45am and I'm having a baggie of NAC (NAQ?) and another of Aciclovir. I will now present you with proof positive that the internet (or maybe just Google) is a sick bastard with a sicky, sick, sick sense of humour.

Go ahead and Google Aciclovir - see the first search result? I rest my case. But let me also just say that is sure as sausages not what I'm frigging taking it for.