Haemoglobin: 104 (range 120-150)
WBC: 4.02 (range 3.5 - 9.0)
Platelets: 46 (range 150 - 400)
Neutrophils: 2.26 (range 2 - 7.5)
Weight: 60.6kg
CMV count: 64,000 (test taken Tuesday 18/03/2014)
These blood counts are generally good. Platelets could do with being higher, but you can run a human body pretty well at these levels. If I decided to juggle chainsaws or dine on ground glass today, then the platelets might become an issue, so I've changed plans.
Now please bear with on this.
For those of you who may find some of the stuff I relate in this blog a little unlikely and slapstick I'd just like to reassure you that although I may take a little artistic license in the description of some situations, the underlying humiliation and impact of the stupid fucking things I do and the spin outs that result from said actions are completely true. Believe me someone either needs to show me how to stop doing it or at least just send it to the BBC as a pilot so I can generate a bit of cash from it.
I will start by relating the first of two examples of how this stuff just transpires - it may be flowery in the telling but every word, blush, (still blush at nearly 52) cringe and face palm is real I promise, it will probably need two blog entries.
In my 20's I used to be an avid reader of Tom Sharpe, a British writer of farcical comedy novels whose books were long on exposition and carefully written to shield the reader from any idea as to how the plot construction would explode in a series of carefully planned, fucking hysterical, comedy scenes. This was howl out loud on the bus stuff - back in the days when people still noticed nutters on the bus. So in order not to lift the rabbit out of the hat too soon I'm going to have to pull a bit of a Sharpe and take the scenic route on this to fill in some background stuff before I get to the face palming.
After blogging "tights gate" T +395 I did that wry shake of the head chuckle and carried on as per usual - the funny old things that happen eh? I tend to listen to BBC radio 4 or i-tunes most days, I just run them straight out of the speakers of my laptop whilst dicking around with Fbook, sudoku, words with friends etc. Musically my tastes are all over the place from 60s onwards - not so much current shite but pretty much any genre from 60s to mid 90s then more selective after that. No dance no house no trance no dubstep no bloody boybands - and still faintly embarrassed about some metal choices from the 80s.
I tend to binge on an artist for a bit and then lose interest after a couple of months so past faves have been Super Furry Animals, Ben Folds with the Five and him solo, Bowie, Americana all sorts of stuff that I'll hanker after and then forget left in a playlist. I most often go for top rated songs to start with then if I like what I hear I go back and pick up the rest of the album. This leads to a few stubs and uncompleted albums and some weird eps and one offs. When I am not in here chunks of it are dumped out to a 16 gig i-pod which I use when commuting, dog walking or jacked into the car via one of those sony cassette adaptors.
It's not unusual for me to leave one of these playlists running in the background whilst I'm browsing and not really pay that much attention to what is going on - lots of times it's just soothing.
So one of my merged playlists was running today as I was playing Words with friends - a nurse entered my isolation room with a couple of cups full of meds and a bag of ganciclovir to crunch the CMV. I was letting her get on with the flushes and injecting cold saline up through the cannula to make sure it was clear to accept the infusion. it began to dawn on me that a very familar melodic sound was wafting from the laptop and I began to feel the first pangs of my head heating up.
Back in 2005 or 2006 Ben Folds did an album of covers and remakes post Ben Folds Five career - "a post modern take on rehabilitating street and ghetto .music" is what I would call it now in management bullshit and basically reselling it to a white audience. I had heard this particular track a couple of times and thought it quite a clever way to diffuse some of the bile of the original but also considered that it was probably something he rolled out at gigs as a gimmick.
Now for the fun bit. The song is called 'Bitches ain't Shit' by Snoop Dogg and Dr Dre originally a nursery rhyme type rap harsh and unmelodic but given the college piano, bass and drums treatment by Ben Folds. If you know the song you will know my predicament if not and you are of a demeanour that is either strong enough to tolerate lots of anglo saxon go ahead and listen or you may just be plain evil and want to taste my pain.
It's here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dSJxvi767kQ
Highlight it left to right, right click and select, Go to http://etc towards the bottom of the drop down menu and it should take you there. If it doesn't work drop it and paste it to your browser
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| That's right - this prick |
About now the lyrics are at "It's my little Cousin daz and he's fucking my hoe" time to sort this.
By this time she has my left hand where she is inserting the giving kit for the ganciclovir I have a real red blushing beamer going on and a free right hand so I cleverly shift it across to the mouse on the laptop and push on to any other song to be safe - but it wasn't - safe I mean. Ever heard of The Super Furry Animals and their work with Goldie Looking Chain? I have an MP3 copy CD EP a few years back with a song on it about Alien Abduction called.....MOTHERFUCKER. It was at about this point I pulled the power lead from the side of the pc and things drew to a merciful pause apart from the gentle bloop bloop of my blushing pink head and the runnels of sweat down the side of my face.
Edit for some reason I can't find SFA/GLC on you tube, but if people are desperate to hear it I may be able to load it from my collection temporarily unless anyone else has any bright ideas.
It's things like this that get you in the nonce pages of the Daily Mail.... it gets worse in next blog.
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