17th June 2019
Day 157 in Hospital.
Ooer 23,000 views for the blog. I might’ve qualified for advertising if I didn’t love swearing so much.
Between 1.30- 2.00pm on clear sunny days the sun rises high enough to shine down into our little brick canyon and some of this sunlight reaches my window here in room 5. It starts as narrow slit and gradually grows until it casts a vivid, parallelogram of light on my floor. When this happens I hop out of bed, grab one of the folding plastic visitor chairs and go sit in it. Mostly it reaches my lower torso and thighs but if I crane my head forwards I can get the sun on my face. And it’s lovely.
One of my major issues now is gaining weight, which is lucky because I’m hungry all the time. It’s almost as if a biological imperative has been triggered by my body to recoup the proteins, carbs etc of which I have deprived it. I’m still mainly using M&S Italian meals as my lunch and dinner meals, but have stumbled across a ‘special’ patient menu which allows me to order hot snacks at any hour of the day. I’m filling the gaps between main meals with bacon or sausage sandwiches with brown, yes brown sauce. Fuck you tomato ketchup savages, HP is the one true way now.
 |
| Take a trip to <ahem> Brown Town |
Disappointingly I lost 1kg yesterday which is mystifying but it hasn’t deterred me. I think I mentioned that my weight bottomed out at 51kg, since I managed to turn this ship around (again!) I’ve got my weight up to 55kg. Whilst this is progress it’s ridiculously light - it’s less than my eldest son lifts when weight training at the gym. However it is bizarre how hungry I am all the time, as soon as I finish one meal I start thinking about the next - which gives me great confidence that with hard work and outright gluttony I can achieve the gains I need.
For the first time in a long time I’ve started to pay attention to my body. It’s a bit shocking how thoroughly the weight loss has stripped away fat from places you would never have believed contained fat in the first place. My hands are spooky skeleton hands - the webbing twixt thumb and index is sunken and the back of my hand resembles the Terminator’s when it has all the false flesh pulled off - all the little bones are clearly outlined and visible. The soles of my feet are concave - somehow fat in there has gone and left sunken pits.
 |
| Choo vunt ein manicure zere Herr Nick? |
Saw my Haem. Consultant today, he is in agreement with what I’d hoped would happen and barring fire, flood or further infection (the hazard of long term hospital stays) I’ll be out by end of June. I’ve also been keeping up with the meetings with the in house counsellor - which have been useful in reminding me that I’m basically a dickhead that never listens to anybody’s advice. I need to be aware that getting out of here and trying to resume my previous house husband (Jeannette calls it house bitch) duties is not an option. I’m going to have to work to get back the strength and stamina I’ll need to do even the most basic shit. We haven’t even got as far as learning stairs in physio yet. I think I’ve written about this in earlier entries - but ignoring minor niggles and ‘pushing through’ the warnings that one’s body sends is just not worth it. But, being a dickhead I’ve no doubt I’ll need reminding over and over.
I had a couple of sessions of going through our photos on the iCloud, going back over about 8 years and it showed me that in spite of my fluctuating weight and fluctuating health, our family has managed to have a pretty bloody good time really. This gives me great hope that when I get my shit together again, we will continue to do so. Being around my wife and son and just being involved in the day to day of each other’s lives is something we’ve missed - and I’ve noticed my son grow and mature so much since January. So with any luck, this blog may fall silent again soon because I only whinge on here when I fall off my perch with a flare or an infection.
No comments:
Post a Comment